Do you love yourself?
Years ago, I was complaining to my mentor about my husband and how I felt he didn't love me enough. She looked me deadpan in the eyes and asked, "Do you love yourself?"
It floored me. Not because the answer was no — because I didn't have one. Nobody had ever asked. It wasn't modeled at home or taught in school; as far as I can remember, it had never been considered relevant or something to ponder.
Here's what I'd been doing. I'd look to my poor husband to fill the gaps in me — without me understanding them, or me telling him that I needed a little extra support right now. Instead, I would expect him to by some miracle say the exact words I wanted to hear or do the thing that would make it all better (for a brief moment). It wasn't fair to either of us, but especially not him. I was mad at him (a lot). He had no idea why, and frankly, I manufactured reasons to feel justified in my anger at him for not being able to fill this impossible void – the space in me I felt was unlovable.
That's what asking someone else to fill the void looks like. No one else can do it, and when they try, it's like a sieve: they pour it in and it diffuses as it goes through the open wounds until there's nothing left on the inside and it's all returned to the outside. We can only give what we have. You can love others as deeply, honestly and wholly as you love yourself — and no deeper.
So ask yourself the question, without judgment and without hunting for proof that you're not lovable: do I love me? All of me.
The light and the dark. The beauty and the scars.
If the answer is yes, 100%, you can stop reading this and teach your own class on love. If the answer is "yes, but…" or "sometimes," stay with me here.
Here are a few ways you can practice loving all of you, the way you hope someone else would.
Make an honest assessment of where you are now. If you want help with this, go to my website and download The Self-Love Check — ten honest questions, one page, five minutes.
Every morning, look in the mirror and find something nice to say to yourself. I like your teeth, good job sleeping, you're going to do great today. Anything positive. If something negative pops up, just say "no thank you" and find something positive. Notice how easy it is to believe the negative and how difficult it is to say something nice to yourself. The goal is to switch that around.
Set a timer throughout the day to notice something good about the world around you or congratulate yourself. Do this 3–5 times daily, and if you notice something positive about someone else, tell them!
Use an affirmation when you're stuck in a negative loop or you're going down a rabbit hole of despair. My go-to is "things always work out for me."
When something comes up that makes you angry, judgy or jealous, think of it as an opportunity to go deeper. Take a few moments to ask yourself some questions.
Am I angry, or do I just think I should be?
Is this really an issue? Is it a five-year issue, a five-month issue, a five-minute issue?
Why do I feel judgmental? Am I jealous, or what do I see in this person that I don't like in myself?
It wasn't until I truly embraced all of me — the parts I had been ashamed of or felt didn't meet some obligatory standard — that I began to pull my weight on the self-loving bandwagon. Things got better in our marriage because I wasn't looking to him to complete me. I came to him complete, and we went from there. Two complete people facing this crazy life together.
That's the superpower. You no longer live for or need anyone's praise or approval. You understand what makes you tick, and you get to live from that perspective — no more sacrificing yourself for outside validation. Our goodness flows outward and touches others in ways we'll never understand.
Be love,
Julie
